'Locked Out'

Nothing makes me more frustrated than a locked door, especially when I have a bunch of stuff in my hands and I have my keys in my pocket. This situation arouses so much anger in me, that more than once I have bordered on complete and utter destruction of everything in my path when confronted by a door that is locked....ok, that is a little extreme, but you get the picture. To beat an already rigor mortise-inflicted equine into a further decomposed state, I often lamented how hell to me would be a room full of locked doors and my eternal damnation would be trying to open all of them and not a one would open. I wish all doors could be rid of locks... that each door would be opened to me, no matter where, no matter what!  Let me get all psycho-analytic on you for just a moment…as is my custom...

As a youth, I remember my family going through a particularly difficult time when my father would come home from work daily and retire to his room, bypassing my brother and I, and would close his door. He would not emerge until he left for work the next morning. In my father's defense, he was going through a lot at the time emotionally and I am sure he was depressed. Now, how I remember it (we often remember feelings more than we remember facts), there was a long time that this went on. I remember feeling shut out by my father and it absolutely ate me up inside. Being closed out frustrated me. It hurt me. It slowly but surely ate away at my heart and left me insecure, unsure, and feeling like my father had no interest in me. It is pretty easy to see how this would lead to my hatred of locked doors, but it also gives one insight into my connection with God. Satan knows all of this also and as his cold-blooded, nasty, murderous self would have it, he uses it to make me think God is doing the same. Anytime things don't quite go 'my way,' it feels like the door is locked, that God is shutting me out. And when I feel that way, the feelings come rushing in. When, in my mind, God descends into the role of my earthly father (in essence taking on the characteristics of my dad and no longer being my heavenly father), my heart becomes a big mess.

Recently, my heart has been pretty gunked up and I have had this consistent feeling of disconnection from God. I have felt a 'shut out' feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, God had blessed me with much, and I am grateful. But that connection, that deep down, soul connection with me and the Lord has not been there. I know it isn't God's fault because he pursues us vigilantly.  But I feel like I am not truly united with him. Why? The door was locked.

If you heard this story, I am sorry to keep rehashing it. It has been a defining moment in this chapter of my life. Two summers ago, I interviewed to be a minister with the Little Rock Church of Christ. The summer of that interview was one of the best for me spiritually in a long time. I felt connected with God. My dream was reignited and I felt sure that God was sending me on a new journey, a new opportunity that would become a milepost and the start of a brand new chapter of my life. I was convinced that God was answering my prayers and giving a chance to spread my wings and really step out on faith. As many of you know, I was in the running until the last day. But the apparently wide-opened door was closed and locked. I heard all of the classic clichés: “God is in control” and “when one door closes another opens” and blah, blah, blah. I was loved by many, told ‘I told you so’ by my doubters, and I am sure there were some who were disappointed for me and in me. All that aside, the shut door brought all of that mess out of me. Shortly after the disappointment settled in, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and came down with mononucleosis. The fatigue that came along with these conditions knocked me out. I had to fight daily just to make it through. What was produced in my heart from these challenges was a heart of feeling abandoned. I knew I wasn’t entirely left alone, but, like I felt when my dad would close himself off, I knew God was there, but he didn’t really care that much about me anymore. For whatever reason, I did something to make myself no longer desirable. No longer worth believing in. No longer worth giving a dream. The door was shut, locked, and all that I wanted and needed was on the other side. Sigh….

Here I sit today, struggling spiritually, and it is all coming together. I went to the store this morning to pick up some breakfast foods and as I carried two more bags that I was really able to, I went to open the door to my car, only to realize it was locked…I wanted to scream curses, and under my breath, I exclaimed to all who were listening (really no one) that my biggest curse in life was locked doors. Cue the ‘Hallelujah Chorus”…Insert epiphany here…What is the deal with locked doors? Why do they bother me to the core? Then I wrote and then it came out. Now that I am here, where do I go? God often reveals core issues to us, but without going to the scriptures for an action plan, the revelations don’t help too much.
The obvious scripture had the answer:

Matthew 7:7-8 (New International Version)

Ask, Seek, Knock

 ⁷"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. 

When my father shut the door, I rarely knocked. Was it fear that kept me from doing so? Was it insecurity that kept me from approaching the door? Often, it probably never crossed my mind because a closed door is a locked door, right??  Not necessarily. Had I knocked on my dad’s door, had I beat on it, he would have answered. I would have forced him to. Had a I called out to him, he would have opened the door and let me in, because he loved me and I would have been reminding him of my presence. So it is with God. The doors had been shut to Little Rock and shut to good health. But I never knocked. I never called out to God and made my presence known. Oh, He knew I was there.  In the above scripture, don’t you think God knew someone was on the other side of the door before they even thought about knocking? You bet He did. But sometimes God just wants us to overcome our fears and step up faithfully to the door and knock.
And here is the kicker…Knock and the door will be opened. All the time, every time. No caveats, no stipulations. You knock, I will open. You pray, you ask, and I will open it up. Does that mean that every door opened will have exactly what we expect or want behind it? No. But it will have what we need and what is best. It always goes back to trust doesn’t it? Trusting in what God has behind the door. Trusting that God’s plan is the best one. Trusting that God will open the door and will reward our faith with what is best for us to be close to Him and what will prepare us to be, like the song says, a sanctuary for him. The closed door always has meant something bad to me throughout my life…what is interesting is that almost every time I have been confronted with a door; I had the key within arm’s reach. Even if it was just closed and not locked, I always had the ability to open it somehow. Spiritually I have the same ability now, through my relationship with God. I have realized that doors are just obstacles and the key is in my hands of how to get past it. It’s time to go through. My father is there and he is ready with what I need.