'One of Those Difficult to Answer Questions'

Romans 7:17-19

¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."


Here is a question I can't seem to answer...God gives us the Holy Spirit at baptism. The Holy Spirit lives within us. Because of God's grace, we become a holy nation. Yet, we have a sinful nature and are full of sin. God sees us as pure and blameless and we are called new creations and his righteousness, yet my heart is deceitful and beyond cure....God left Jesus at the time of his death on the cross because he was full of sin, and he never mixes with sin except, apparently in the case of each of us as human beings. I don't get it....A lot of this just doesn't make sense...Is my theology completely messed up, or is this just one of those things that is not to be understood? I am told I am forgiven, yet I am also told that I am utterly sinful, poor, blind and naked...I always struggle with this concept because it doesn't make sense. I am told that my heart is inherently bad, yet I am created in the image of God.  Huh? How can I be a new creation in Christ, but be so sinful that I can't trust even myself. I don't know how to rectify this in my heart. Unless I go this route....
Here is my take on the answer...
I believe that what the Bible says is true on both fronts, but that there is a distinction to be made. Our hearts are deceitful and beyond cure, until God comes along. We are utterly sinful and unrighteous, until that magical baptism that ushers in the power of the Holy Spirit. We are poor, blind, naked, and lost, until that rebirth, coupled with repentance and faith in God, that allows us to be transformed into a new creation. My heart is inherently bad, but once God saved me, my heart was made new. We are given a heart of flesh to replace our heart of stone. It now makes perfect sense. I could give up on the quest, give up on my relationship with God, allow my old nature to take control, and lose my salvation..but why would I do that??? Why do people do that??? (Another topic altogether)...The part I always get hung up on is the existence of the sinful nature....Where does it live? Does it live in my heart where the Holy Spirit lives? Does my nature just mean 'tendencies' I have apart from the Lord? Dictionary.com gives the following definition for nature: 'the instincts or inherent tendencies directing conduct: a man of good nature.' Ahhh-hah!! Tendencies...I lived 20 years outside of God and his Kingdom and I was often left to my own devices...I learned to act on the temptations of Satan and I ended up, through many years of practice, as one who tended towards sin. I wasn't sinful at birth, but I was born into a spiritual war for my soul, and since I wasn't in a God-fearing household, I was doomed from the beginning. But then God came near, sent some faithful saints to intercept me and teach me the ways of Christ. This has to be the answer, right? But if it is, what are the implications? Do I teach the right message? Do I believe the right things? Overall, I would say 'Yes'...but what do I believe in my heart? I spend more time defeated than I do redeemed. I live more in the past than I do in eternity. I focus so much on what I once was, that I miss out on who I am and who I am becoming. I consider myself a sinner more than a saint...it can't be true though...except maybe in the sense of how alcoholics say they are still alcoholics but are reformed...Maybe that's it! I am a reformed sinner. A saint with a nasty tendency towards sin. It makes much more sense now...but am I just making stuff up? It seems to be true and the Bible seems to support this thought, but then why do we focus so much on what we need to repent of? Shouldn't it be more about what I need to add to my heart to sway my tendencies towards goodness and righteousness? 
I know it's a lot to ponder, but it's one of those things that has always been a question of my soul. Share your thoughts...I'd love to here where you come in...

'What If....'

When I was young, I loved to read and collect comic books. I loved Marvel comics the most...Wolverine, the X-Men, Spiderman, the Avengers...'nuff said...good stuff! One of my favorite titles was called 'What if...' It was a title that had a character called 'the Watcher' who would narrate a story of what would have happened if a significant event that had occurred in past stories, went a different direction. They were really interesting and thought provoking....well at least as much as a comic book can be anyway! The whole concept of 'What if' has always intrigued me. What if Jesus had never died on the cross? (That is probably the easiest to figure out...we would be toast..). What if JFK had never been assassinated? What if 9/11 was thwarted? What if Don Deckinger had made the right call in the 1985 World Series?...Ok, that last one was a little less earth shattering than the first three...but I think you get my drift. The scenario that has really got me thinking recently is: What if (insert your name here) never became a Christian? Now, you have to take a lot of liberties to come up with some sort of answer to this question, because God works no matter the circumstances and only he really knows (he is the real Watcher), but I think it is worth thinking through if not for an exercise in realizing what impact God has used each disciple to make. Let's give this a try...and see what kind of thoughts it provokes...Come along with me on this little trip through a what if and hopefully it will encourage your faith and help you (as it will me) to remember how closely all of our lives are intertwine. As well I hope to help you remember how amazing our God is for keeping all of our lives moving in such a way as to get us to come to him.

Joe was baptized in late 1990. It was by no means a forgone conclusion that he would become a Christian. As a matter of fact, it was a major miracle that he ever found God in the first place. You see, Joe grew up with very little religion and what he had, came by way of a handful of church visits, a brief stint in a Sunday school class, and a couple of unpleasant family experiences. Joe was approached by a disciple on the campus of a state university and was asked to attend a church service. He was reluctant to attend because, in Joe's mind, Christianity really couldn't hold a candle to sleeping in and the NFL pre-game on Sundays. Against his better judgment and because his guilt had finally gotten the best of him, he attended a church service and was hooked by the kingdom of God from the jump. He studied the bible and two weeks, a broken spirit, many tears, and much repentance later, he became a Christian. Joe was a pretty outgoing guy and he took to campus ministry life pretty quickly. He became a small group leader, studied the bible with several of his friends, and made a significant impact in the church. He took on several roles in the church from kingdom kids extraordinaire to later becoming the lead usher. He was growing quickly and enjoying God's favor and although he had some significant challenges along the way, Joe eventually volunteered for a church planting 'mission team' and moved away from his hometown to go on the adventure of a life time.
Fast forward 20 years later and Joe is married with children and leading a ministry where he his serving God and his church diligently...but what if he had never proclaimed 'Jesus is Lord' and took the plunge of all plunges? What if Joe never became a Christian and just discarded that original invitation to church and dismissed it as another bunch of religious mumbo jumbo? Where would he be? Where would they be?

Today, Joe is married to a Christian woman named Anne whom he met in his old campus ministry. Their love was founded on their relationships with God. Joe and Anne have two kids. Had Joe not become a Christian, no marriage to Anne, and no kids. Anne's life would have been drastically altered and their kids would've never been born.

One person that Joe helped become a Christian was Dave. Dave was a wayward young man, who many thought to be older than he really was. Dave had grown up without his dad playing a prominent role in his life and the kingdom of God was, like it is for all who come to it, his saving grace. Joe studied the bible with Dave and they developed a big brother/ little brother relationship. Dave serves a youth ministry leader and has played roles in campus and single ministries and Dave's mother has become a Christian. If Joe never becomes a Christian, Dave doesn't either. Neither does Dave's mom and neither do any of the kids in Dave's ministry.

Joe works with a man named Bill. Bill and his wife Anita have been married for 45 years. Joe helped Bill become a Christian. Anita followed shortly thereafter. Bill and Anita have three kids who are all older and have families. Bill and Anita have converted all of their kids and their spouses. If Joe never became a Christian, Bill and Anita don't make it and neither do any of their kids or their kids' spouses...in fact, without Bill and Anita becoming Christians, their marriage fails, even after all those years.

This is just part of the story....what would have happened to Joe's life had he not become a Christian? What if Joe decide to pass on Jesus and live for himself. Joe longed to be a part of something so he joined a fraternity. The frat life and party scene was Joe's bag and he gave himself over to it. During the last party of his senior year, Joe met a beautiful girl named Ginger. He pursued Ginger until she caved. They went out for a couple of months before Joe, obsessed with Ginger, popped the question. Joe graduated shortly after his proposal and landed a good job. Ginger quit school to marry Joe and shortly after their honeymoon, Ginger became pregnant and nine months later Joe Jr. was born. Joe was scared of being a father since his relationship with his dad was so dysfunctional. But he kept his fears to himself. On Joe Jr's first birthday, he lost his job. Rather than tell his wife, he was never good at confrontation, he hung out at a local bar and went home everyday at 5pm acting as though he worked a full day. He couldn't tell Ginger, she would get too worried, plus, they weren't close really anyway since the baby was born.

Ginger didn't want much intimacy nowadays. Because of the uncomfortability of being pregnant and the 30 lbs of baby weight, Ginger never wanted to even go there again. Knowing Joe wanted more kids, Ginger had to avoid intimacy at all costs. Without it she surmised there would be no more babies, no more bad body changes, and no more worries. At least so she thought.

During his days of hiding out at the bar, Joe met Missy. Missy was a bar maid, who had been in many relationships, and always got caught up in the wrong situation. Joe dumped out his guilt ridden heart to Missy one day and Missy, wanting to rescue another broken man from utter ruin, invited him over to her place for a meal and some extended talk away from her workplace. One thing lead to another and Joe did what no married ought to do with any woman outside of his wife. Joe returned home that night, more guilt ridden than ever with another secret he couldn't reveal and a conscience that was not only seared but shattered. As the bills came in, multiple checks bounced and another job could not be found, the jig was up. Ginger confronted Joe and Joe spilled the beans...about having no job and about having a one night stand with Missy.  He couldn't hold it any longer. The truth was out and Ginger was crushed.

Joe and Ginger divorced shortly thereafter. Ginger couldn't even stand to be around Joe and she wanted no part of forgiving him. Ginger moved in with her parents and Joe had to go live with his brother, while drawing unemployment. Joe never saw Joe Jr. because he felt too much shame to ever face him and rarely paid his child support. He descended rapidly into depression, alcoholism and became addicted to heroin that his brother constantly stole from a mutual 'friend' who worked at a local hospital. One rainy night, after a party at his brother's house, Joe, drunk and high, got into a fight with his brother and left to take a drive and cool off. It was the last time anyone saw Joe alive. It had rained just enough that night to make the roads slick and Joe was judged to have been driving about 30 mph over the speed limit when he lost control of his car and wrapped it around a telephone pole. Joe suffered massive head injuries and was pronounced dead on the scene by the paramedics who attended him at the crash site...Ginger found out about the accident by watching the local news and through a cascade of tears, tried to explain it all to little 3 year old Joe Jr. Joe Jr. would spend his entire life wondering why his dad never wanted him to see him when he was young and why his dad had become a drug addict and died because of it. Ginger never recovered from the heartache Joe had put her through. She never remarried and she spent most of her life working sub-standard jobs and trying to raise a boy who was in and out of trouble and whom she could never really connect with. Joe Jr. ended up going to prison for felony armed robbery and felony drug possession.  He always claimed he was a product of growing up without a father and frequently blames a broken family for his current situation. It's a true reason, but dismissed as nothing but an excuse. Ginger died of heart failure at the age of 40. She was penniless, and by all accounts was extremely unhappy with everything about her life....

Crazy story huh? What if Joe never became Christian? Look at all that might not have happened and look at all that could have happened? This is all just conjecture and the story was all somewhat fictitious, although I have heard stories similar to this throughout my life. What is the point to all of this? It is really just this simple...Your life of discipleship means something and it has profoundly impacted more people that you have probably ever considered. Think through your life. Apply your story. Examine the what ifs and apply your sinful nature, unchecked, to where you were headed before Jesus. Where would you be without Him? Where would they be without Him? Where would it all be without you making a decision follow Him and to keep following Him no matter how tough it gets? What if I never had decided to follow the Lord??....To be honest, I don't want to know how my story would have turned out, because it is a guarantee it was would not have not have been 'happily ever after'. It is so true that my worst day as a Christian is better than my best day was before I knew Jesus. Please always remember this, your life as a Christian, no matter how hard, has made and will continue to make a difference. Let's resolve to never have to worry about the what ifs but only to concern ourselves with the what will happen as we continue to follow the Lord!

 ²⁴ “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. ²⁵ And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. ²⁶ From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.  ---Acts 17:24-27

"The Battle Within"

Here is a verse I relate to all too much...

Romans 7: 7- 25

The Law and Sin

 ⁷ What shall we say, then? Is the law sinful? Certainly not! Nevertheless, I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.”^{[b] 8} But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of coveting. For apart from the law, sin was dead. ⁹ Once I was alive apart from the law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. ¹⁰ I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death. ¹¹ For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. ¹² So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good.  ¹³ Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! Nevertheless, in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what is good to bring about my death, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
 ¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
 ²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
   So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature^[d] a slave to the law of sin. 

This battle within wears me out. It makes me tired and it just flat out makes me sick to my stomach. My sin seems to always be right there with me and my sinful nature seems to be so much bigger than it should be. I am reminded of an old axiom, about the two dogs. Both are hungry, but there is only one meal to be divided between the two of them. The one who consistently gets the lions share gets bigger and the other smaller....the story is often used to remind us to 'feed the big dog' and not the small one...the big dog should be our spiritual side and the little dog should be our sinful nature. We feed the big dog by prayer, bible study, etc. and we starve the little dog by confession, repentance, etc....Great in theory, but why is it so hard? Why do I have so much pity on the little dog? Not really, but it sure looks that way. And sometimes it feels that way as well. It seems like no matter how much I want to do good, evil is right there. I am so glad the above scripture is in the bible, but it helps me to see how much Paul related to our struggle. Sure he was a super apostle and sure he the greatest proclaimer of the gospel this side of Jesus, but he struggled with sin. And I guess that is the rub....struggle. To struggle, the dictionary says is to contend with an adversary or opposing force; to contend resolutely with a task, problem, etc.; strive: to struggle for existence; to advance with violent effort; to struggle through the snow.

I love this! For years, the term 'struggling with sin' has had negative connotations but really, in view of the definition of struggle, shouldn't we all be struggling with sin?!? To advance with violent effort...that is what I have to do! So what is the reality in all of this....if you see the struggle and you are aware of it, engaged in it, and are fighting to do the 'good you know you ought to do', then that is half the battle. The other half is embracing the One who will bring us victory...'Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!' How great is that! One of the ongoing jokes in our church is that the answer that the kids in our church give to every spiritual question is 'Jesus!'...It this case the answer is 'Jesus'!
He is the warrior that goes before us in our battle. He is the muscle bound guy with the big claymore, mounted on the white steed, face covered in war paint, charging ahead to clash with Satan and his demons at the battle line for our soul...I am so glad he is on my side!!!

How do I get out of this funk...how do I win this struggle against the foe of sin that has haunted and bullied me from the age of accountability??? I must grab on to the robe of the almighty... 

¹³ The LORD will march out like a champion, like a warrior he will stir up his zeal; with a shout he will raise the battle cry and will triumph over his enemies. - Isaiah 42:13

As the old song says...hold to God's unchanging hand...

'Locked Out'

Nothing makes me more frustrated than a locked door, especially when I have a bunch of stuff in my hands and I have my keys in my pocket. This situation arouses so much anger in me, that more than once I have bordered on complete and utter destruction of everything in my path when confronted by a door that is locked....ok, that is a little extreme, but you get the picture. To beat an already rigor mortise-inflicted equine into a further decomposed state, I often lamented how hell to me would be a room full of locked doors and my eternal damnation would be trying to open all of them and not a one would open. I wish all doors could be rid of locks... that each door would be opened to me, no matter where, no matter what!  Let me get all psycho-analytic on you for just a moment…as is my custom...

As a youth, I remember my family going through a particularly difficult time when my father would come home from work daily and retire to his room, bypassing my brother and I, and would close his door. He would not emerge until he left for work the next morning. In my father's defense, he was going through a lot at the time emotionally and I am sure he was depressed. Now, how I remember it (we often remember feelings more than we remember facts), there was a long time that this went on. I remember feeling shut out by my father and it absolutely ate me up inside. Being closed out frustrated me. It hurt me. It slowly but surely ate away at my heart and left me insecure, unsure, and feeling like my father had no interest in me. It is pretty easy to see how this would lead to my hatred of locked doors, but it also gives one insight into my connection with God. Satan knows all of this also and as his cold-blooded, nasty, murderous self would have it, he uses it to make me think God is doing the same. Anytime things don't quite go 'my way,' it feels like the door is locked, that God is shutting me out. And when I feel that way, the feelings come rushing in. When, in my mind, God descends into the role of my earthly father (in essence taking on the characteristics of my dad and no longer being my heavenly father), my heart becomes a big mess.

Recently, my heart has been pretty gunked up and I have had this consistent feeling of disconnection from God. I have felt a 'shut out' feeling. Now, don't get me wrong, God had blessed me with much, and I am grateful. But that connection, that deep down, soul connection with me and the Lord has not been there. I know it isn't God's fault because he pursues us vigilantly.  But I feel like I am not truly united with him. Why? The door was locked.

If you heard this story, I am sorry to keep rehashing it. It has been a defining moment in this chapter of my life. Two summers ago, I interviewed to be a minister with the Little Rock Church of Christ. The summer of that interview was one of the best for me spiritually in a long time. I felt connected with God. My dream was reignited and I felt sure that God was sending me on a new journey, a new opportunity that would become a milepost and the start of a brand new chapter of my life. I was convinced that God was answering my prayers and giving a chance to spread my wings and really step out on faith. As many of you know, I was in the running until the last day. But the apparently wide-opened door was closed and locked. I heard all of the classic clichés: “God is in control” and “when one door closes another opens” and blah, blah, blah. I was loved by many, told ‘I told you so’ by my doubters, and I am sure there were some who were disappointed for me and in me. All that aside, the shut door brought all of that mess out of me. Shortly after the disappointment settled in, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and came down with mononucleosis. The fatigue that came along with these conditions knocked me out. I had to fight daily just to make it through. What was produced in my heart from these challenges was a heart of feeling abandoned. I knew I wasn’t entirely left alone, but, like I felt when my dad would close himself off, I knew God was there, but he didn’t really care that much about me anymore. For whatever reason, I did something to make myself no longer desirable. No longer worth believing in. No longer worth giving a dream. The door was shut, locked, and all that I wanted and needed was on the other side. Sigh….

Here I sit today, struggling spiritually, and it is all coming together. I went to the store this morning to pick up some breakfast foods and as I carried two more bags that I was really able to, I went to open the door to my car, only to realize it was locked…I wanted to scream curses, and under my breath, I exclaimed to all who were listening (really no one) that my biggest curse in life was locked doors. Cue the ‘Hallelujah Chorus”…Insert epiphany here…What is the deal with locked doors? Why do they bother me to the core? Then I wrote and then it came out. Now that I am here, where do I go? God often reveals core issues to us, but without going to the scriptures for an action plan, the revelations don’t help too much.
The obvious scripture had the answer:

Matthew 7:7-8 (New International Version)

Ask, Seek, Knock

 ⁷"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. 

When my father shut the door, I rarely knocked. Was it fear that kept me from doing so? Was it insecurity that kept me from approaching the door? Often, it probably never crossed my mind because a closed door is a locked door, right??  Not necessarily. Had I knocked on my dad’s door, had I beat on it, he would have answered. I would have forced him to. Had a I called out to him, he would have opened the door and let me in, because he loved me and I would have been reminding him of my presence. So it is with God. The doors had been shut to Little Rock and shut to good health. But I never knocked. I never called out to God and made my presence known. Oh, He knew I was there.  In the above scripture, don’t you think God knew someone was on the other side of the door before they even thought about knocking? You bet He did. But sometimes God just wants us to overcome our fears and step up faithfully to the door and knock.
And here is the kicker…Knock and the door will be opened. All the time, every time. No caveats, no stipulations. You knock, I will open. You pray, you ask, and I will open it up. Does that mean that every door opened will have exactly what we expect or want behind it? No. But it will have what we need and what is best. It always goes back to trust doesn’t it? Trusting in what God has behind the door. Trusting that God’s plan is the best one. Trusting that God will open the door and will reward our faith with what is best for us to be close to Him and what will prepare us to be, like the song says, a sanctuary for him. The closed door always has meant something bad to me throughout my life…what is interesting is that almost every time I have been confronted with a door; I had the key within arm’s reach. Even if it was just closed and not locked, I always had the ability to open it somehow. Spiritually I have the same ability now, through my relationship with God. I have realized that doors are just obstacles and the key is in my hands of how to get past it. It’s time to go through. My father is there and he is ready with what I need.

'Goodnight'

Last night I went in and prayed with my daughter as I put her to bed. She let loose the best prayer I have ever heard from her. She wasn't just thankful but specific. She praised God and poured out her heart about how lucky she felt to have what she has. Many of us as parents spend so much time wondering if our kids are 'getting it'...it sure sounded like she was. At any rate, all I could do was smile and happy cry. My own flesh and blood was connecting with the creator and I was just a interested bystander....and I treasured that moment in my heart. I believe I experienced the definition of a 'goodnight'. Does it get any better?

'Stand in Awe'

It has been an ion since I blogged and I don't have a whole lot to say…other than that I am super grateful to God for my life. Oh I have challenges. I feel my body breaking down and I have some physical struggles that are still dogging me. But, in the last few months I have seen three things that have brought me perspective, three things that have inspired my heart…Sue Bettale passing away and moving on to be with the Lord, Haley and Lilly Hawkins battling the odds of premature birth, and my little sister, Angie Martin having a baby. Sometimes my brothers and sisters, we just have to stop and witness the Lord working and stand in awe.

'Forgiveness Redirected'

Ecclesiastes 7:8
'The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.'

I recently had one of those conversations that makes you say 'hmmm'....or in this case 'ouch!'

We had went with our church to a marriage retreat down at the lake and my wife and I were sitting down to a dinner with several couples that hold leadership/ mentoring roles in our church. I felt very humbled to be there and the I was able to sit next to one of the men I look up the most to on this planet, Curt Simmons. We came in later than everyone else because we had some drama on the way, you know, the kind that inevitably happens on your way to a spiritual event. The kind of drama that drives character issues and sin to the surface. God has an interesting way sometimes of not only 'determining the times set for us and the exact places we should live' (Acts 17:26) but also the exact places where we should sit.

We were going to be running a tad behind already because my wife got home at her normal time and we had an hour and a half trip ahead of us. As we started to leave the house in a hurried mode, my wife realized she left her purse, with the credit card she used to reserve our hotel room, at her work. Oh man...here goes...I always seem to struggle to not freak out in these situations...running tight...knowing we are assuredly going to be late...and something out of my control, is going to cause it. And not only that, but we have people waiting on us. It was one of those moments of truth where I could really come through spiritually...and...I....failed. To paint you a picture of where I went with it, have you ever seen those old cartoons where the characters head looks like it is going to explode, with steam shooting out of their ears???

Like Elvis Presley once sang 'Ohh, ohh, ohh I can feel my temperature risin'! I was fit to be tied but there was nothing we could do but drive to her work, pick up the purse, and get on our way. It's not like we had to drive out of our way really...her work is only 10 minutes from our house, but in the heat of the moment...that 10 minutes might as well been 10 days. Who says emotions can skew our perception? :) We took off out the door and headed to our destiny of lateness...(that's how weird I can get with stuff like that...'destiny of lateness'...really?!?) Anyway, I had to really fight not be get more upset and quite honestly, I needed to quit being upset period, but that wasn't a decision I was quite willing to make yet, unfortunately. It's not like my wife did it on purpose, in fact, she was pretty frustrated herself. But, for whatever reason, I thought I needed to inflict some weird, emotional poke at the cause of my angst, my poor wife, so I grumped and growned and expressed how upset I was....sometimes I look back at stuff like this and I wonder why God doesn't just smack me down! I'm so glad He, and my wife, have grace!

So, fast forward through our prayer filled drive (I'm so glad God still listens even when we are being stupid!) and to us arriving at our dinner. I sat down next to Curt and begin to explain my version of the situation. Within my overview of the events, I proclaim, as any good Christian would, that, although she frustrated me, I have resolved the situation and I forgiven my wife. To follow was one of the more memorable discipling moments I have had in awhile. Curt asked me a golden question, "Why did you need to forgive her?" My first reaction was,"Well, because she made me mad!" I retorted. "So what did she do to make you mad?" Curt replied. "Uhhhh, she forgot her purse....." I wish I had an audio file that had the inflection of his voice when he asked me that question, because the way he said it was as deft as a surgeon with a scalpel. "Ohhh....." I said. My brain and my soul finally coming together in a sort of spiritually enlighten moment. In my religious pride, I thought because I was angered, it was my wife who needed forgiveness. On the contrary. It was I who needed forgiveness. How many times have I done that? Someone was in the midst of something they really had no control over (forgetting something, running late because of someone else, etc.) and because it effected me and because of my sinful reaction, then I felt they were the one who needed to be forgiven. Wow, look at how far away from the spiritual reality of life I can get. I was the one that really needed to be forgiven and I needed it from my God, my wife, and my self. I have often thought because some made me 'stumble' then they were the problem. Sure, if they sinned against me, that is one thing, but in this case, as with many others, I needed to control my emotions and just go with the flow. I needed to be patient with my wife, patient with the situation, and not let something my wife couldn't control, become a primer for my sin. As Curt adeptly pointed out, I was the one in need of forgiveness. I needed to be humble and I needed forgiveness to be redirected to me.

In the midst of those moments that come from something out of your control, or those that come from things out of others control, that end up effecting you, how do you respond? Do you let your anger or hurt feelings drive a wedge between you and people close to you....between you and God? When we allow these reactions to go unchecked and when we 'forgive' people for things WE really needed forgiveness for, we may really miss the boat and fail to address weakness in our character that God is trying to drive out. Let's resolve to see situations for what they really and humble ourselves before the Lord and one another. Let's resolve to not only be forgivers, but "forgive-ees."

Love in the Lord,
Jason

'A Spiritual TKO'

Numbers 14: 1-3 (New International Version)

The People Rebel

"That night all the people of the community raised their voices and wept aloud. All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?"

I just got spiritually punched in the stomach 3 times within the past 24 hours. At our bible study on Thursday night we all went around the room and openly shared with everyone one area of our life that showed how our unrighteous pride comes out. One of the ladies in our group talked about how frustrated she can get when her schedule gets thrown out of whack. Body blow #1. I often get frustrated by the wrenches that get thrown into the intricately laid and painstakingly planned, plumbing of my life. (Ok, that was a little bit over descriptive, but you get my point right?!) Whether it is a simple plan of going from my bedroom to the kitchen in a beeline for the cereal, or a more complex plan like how I want to lose weight (cut out some cereal maybe!?)...no matter how grandiose or minute, if my plan doesn't go 'according to plan' then I am frustrated and get bitter. My wife and I like to chastise each other in these moments (light-heartedly of course!) with the term 'Marah' which in the old testament meant 'bitter'. When we see each other getting all huffy, we say 'Don't be Marah!' It is a joking way to remind each other to not go down that road, not to allow little things to get me frustrated. Oh how I wish it was that easy. A little joke here and there and I am convicted of my sin and make all the changes necessary...oh to have that softness of heart..but I digress...I'm getting into a whole other subject....

Back to the story...We got home that night and I decided to have a little time in God's Word before bed. I read the above verse because that was the daily reading in the 'Chronological Bible in a Year' and out of nowhere comes a haymaker! Body blow #2. Oh how I complain! "I'm so tired." "I don't feel good". "If only I had such and such career, or had or more money..." Blah- blah- blawdy- blah- blah. Just hearing my own voice as I replay past complaints in my head, makes me want to throat punch myself! I can get so easily out of touch with how blessed I am that it is unsightly and ghastly. (How about those descriptive words!!!) As is common place with me, unfortunately, I didn't totally get it the first time, or the second time, so the hits kept on coming! I was getting hit so hard, I had no defense. Go Holy Spirit go! He had me on the ropes and he moved in to finish me off!The next morning I received an email with a link to Jon Bettale's blog postings that he uses to keep us up-to-date on his wife Sue, who is currently undergoing treatment for Leukemia. He stated in his posting that Sue was having so much pain in the aftermath of her bone marrow transplant that she could barely endure it. Yet she never complained. Body blow #3 and down goes Jason. Knocked out spiritually. I was so convicted that all I could do was sit there in a sort of beaten stupor. I felt like I kicked right in the teeth. Here is Sue Bettale, fighting Leukemia, going through pain that I have never known, and Lord willing never will, and she wasn't complaining. No, she was grateful for each day. Each day was awesome because it meant she was still alive, still fighting. I get bent out of shape because I don't get to rest, because there is too much to do at the house, because things aren't going how I expect them to. I bet Sue would like to have my 'problem' right now. I bet there are alot of people who would like to have my 'problem'. Wow, how easy it is to lose touch.

What it really comes down to is perspective. I lose it so quickly because I want what I want when I want it. Not unlike my two year old, when she is undergoing hunger pangs, "I want! I want! I want!!" I bellow to my Father in heaven. Yet, if I really look at it, I already have it. I have been so thoroughly blessed that it is ridiculous. Ludicrous even! God has truly given me more than I could ever ask for or imagine. I bet if we all took the time to sit down and really think about it, we could say the same. For me, and really for all of us, it's time to quit complaining, whether verbally or in our hearts, and really take stock of just how blessed we really are. The floodgates have been opened, yet I fear most of us have missed it. We were so focused on specific droplets, we missed the tidal wave. What about for you? Let's resolve to never take our blessings for granted and to not let each other complain.

Philippians 2:14-15 (New International Version)

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe...

Love in the Lord of all blessings,
Jason